Something I guess I should could kind of explain. Everyones got things and those things are all different. Just like eating disorders they all look different. So my little Eddy looks a little something like this.
First off Ed is a bastard. He drives me absolutely nuts! But I'll try my best to let you explore my mind and the thoughts I have through my day! Day in and day out I'm constantly thinking about what I'm putting in my body and how I can burn it off. My day no shit starts right when the alarm goes off. I usually try to work out in the morning because I know somehow my day will get crazy and if I push working out on the back burner I'll end up on the toilet. And then decisions start to roll in. And if you know me decisions are the worst. They're like jalapeños, I hate them. I'll make sure I've weighed all my options before choosing. So hopefully I've rolled out of bed by now and I need to make a choice for what I'm having for breaky. Do I eat something little before I workout? Because the body builders say ya really should have some fuel to help ya get through your workout, but if I don't eat then I'm burning calories from the night before. But if I skip breakfast then am I slowing my metabolism down? Do I need to try intermittent fasting? Shit I'm running late. And THAT is just my morning!
Once my morning is finished I basically plan my day out in my head. For example, I'll say ok PBJ with an apple for lunch, maybe a snack and for dinner I'll have a salad that sucks and no dessert, we can save that for Friday. Maybe to curb the cravings after dinner I'll have some tea or brush my teeth to make sure I eat absolutely NOTHING else. And that's my days game plan. If I veer away from the game plan well then I better go for an extra run or something. And you know I can't just have an old school PBJ that would be fucking splurging. I need the peanut butter with low fat, jelly with the least amount of sugar, and bread?!?! Are you kidding me CARBS?!?! I'm going to get the most god damn healthiest bread I can get my hands on! Mmmm sounds absolutely delicious🙄 Everything I eat I evaluate in my head. Nuts: calorie dense, has some protein and contains a high fat content. Veggies: good but also carbs. Fruit? Might have some antioxidants in there but whats really important is that they have a lot of sugar in them! My snack? Maybe some black coffee because that will make me poop and I'll weigh less right? I could have some water but hunnnny I must be careful because the scale could go up because I'm carrying more water weight now. Or maybe 10 almonds, just less than the recommended serving size because I'm Miss Swagger Jagger and don't listen to the rules.
Through my day I'll try to distract myself with projects, walks, movies, anything that gets my mind off food. But once everyone is home and I have time to sit down and be kumbaya with myself I'll realize IM FUCKING HUNGRY! But I have to stick with my game plan or I'll wake up tomorrow morning lookin like an oompa loompa. But shocker folks some nights the game plan can suck a big one. So ya girl has a little chocolate before bed but why? This is just gonna make me feel fat and I'm never going to lose weight now. So I guess were headed to the toilet. Well little cute inside info for y'all! Having a relationship with your toilet is miserable. Your throat is going to start feeling like sand paper. Acne, you ask? Ya it's going to start looking like you have a crunch bar on your forehead. Your hair is going to thin out faster than you think. And you will miss countless memories you'll never ever be able to get back because you are just completely exhausted.
But don't forget we still have to plan out our weekends! We're single, in our 20s, it's our duty to go have some fun! But just make sure you plan around it darlin! Ya see if I can have a somewhat normal day of eating, sleep through dinner so I don't eat before I go out, and then proceed with my night I'll be in good shape! But under no circumstances can I touch the kitchen when I get home! If I do, well I gotta go see my boo in the bathroom, he's waiting for me. But here's a recent twist! My best friend is doing her best friend duties and knows exactly what I'm about to do and won't let me go back to that crummy relationship. PAUSE. Go fricken best friend! That's my best friend!!!!!! UN PAUSE. Since my best friend won't let me see my boo thing I'll get pissed. I really wish I was joking here but I'll be a fricken storm you need to steer clear of. But in this scenario the best friend usually wins.
And right there is what ED looks like. It's exhausting but I'm finally in a state of noticing I'm crazy and coping with it. Now I say fuck you Ed its a little piece of chocolate that makes me happy so take a hike buddy. I notice when I'm struggling and talk to my bestie about it. I know when i'm getting over my head and need a break from the real world. We all have things and this is mine.
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